Top 10 Flirting Tips as Determined by a Bar of Soap
Wow I’m a bar of soap. It is easy for me to get close to people. For you it is a little harder. Maybe you are crushing pretty hard on the person sitting across from you on the bus, in the subway, or anywhere really. You have no idea how to break the ice. Later on you do some weird ‘missed connections’ thing where you creep out pretty hard.
I am here to tell you it does not need to be that way. There are lots of cool hip ways to attract the eye of that special someone. As a bar of soap I am privy to a lot of sensitive information about people. While people hang out in the shower getting their bodies all soapy and fresh for another day, they tell me their innermost secrets.
Below are some great ways to talk to that potential special someone. Hopefully these help you in your quest for love and friendship.
1. Wow you look so fresh! What kind of bar of soap do you use? – this is a sure fire way to start any conversation on the right foot. They will be impressed by your uncanny ability to tell that they bathe regularly. Of course the main caveat of this is if they use body wash. If they use body wash end the conversation with them; anybody who uses body wash is an apostate of Satan.
2. Compliment their hat – say things like “boy that’s a swell hat” and “I hope I can learn more about what goes on beneath that hat, in your head region where you make all those thoughts in your idea-maker”. If they do not have a hat make sure to always carry a hat with you and place it on their head before talking to them. That way you can be cute, quirky, and may even potentially strike up conversation with someone curious about why you are walking around with a hat in hand.
3. Talk about the weather – such an obvious one but it is important to talk about the weather. If there is a tornado try to invite them back to your place and say “oh my goodness that tornado is coming right towards us! Want to come back to my place? I have Uno.” Note for this to work make sure you always have a Uno deck in your tornado shelter thing.
4. Mention your fondness for staying hydrated – lots of people forget that they need to be properly hydrated in order to survive. Individuals all across the world enjoy the refreshing taste of water and water-based drinks. After you mention your hydration needs you’ll realize how much the two of you have in common. As a bar of soap I can attest to the need for the right amount of hydration.
5. Ask them about their favorite brand of air conditioner – a surprisingly large amount of deep meaningful conversation comes up from a simple inquiry about air conditioning. Usually the favorite air conditioner is “Friedrich’s” as it has a famous slogan “Friedrich’s – it’s cool for you!” Whether or not they pick Friedrich’s is irrelevant. Since it is an unusual question they won’t even suspect that you are flirting with them. Mostly likely they will find you pretty weird.
6. Sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” to them – everybody on Planet Earth knows this song. Queen could have conquered the universe with their song-writing abilities but they opted to stick with Earth. Anybody who does not know the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” is a total weirdo and should be avoided. Like, who doesn’t know the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody”? I’m an inanimate bar of soap and I know the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody”.
7. Look down at their feet and compliment whatever you see – if they are not wearing shoes mention how foot-like their feet look. In the likely chance that they are wearing footwear ask them how much they enjoy having the soles of their feet protected from the ground by a thin layer of whatever their footwear is made out of. People are into feet and often spend most of their time on their feet.
8. Talk about your experience living on Earth – people like a good story so mention one of the stories you accumulated from your time living on Earth. Make sure to keep it relatively funny, a bit weird, and inoffensive. Offensive stories work poorly with total strangers, typically.
9. Explain your online social media experience – since people spend so much time online forward examples of your online work before even speaking to them to give them a sense of who you really are. As a bar of soap I have a Twitter account, a Facebook account, an Instagram account, and an old Myspace page from when I was in High School. Because you are most likely a human being and not a bar of soap you probably have even more social media accounts.
10. Stare deeply into their eyes and say something that could be taken as being profound and/or funny – keeping things relatively hard to decipher means that you can go towards either approach depending on what they are into.
Hope this helps you find a friend and maybe even that special someone. I am rooting for you. I am a bar of soap!